I'll Always Love Him, Mother
by agent000
Summary: Sequel to I'll Bring Him Home, Mother. Al's POV. I miss him, Mother, and I miss you. My life is falling apart as I speak, but I'll continue to walk on. I have to.


_**Hi again. You wanted yet another one in this series, and so you got it, heh. This one's a little bit different from the others...more emotional in my opinion, but that could just be because it was more personal, heh. ((Yes, I was again upset when I wrote this one. It seems to make these particular oneshots more emotional when I wait until I need to vent, since I'm already in the mood to not always talk about happy occurrences.)) Anyway, this one is indeed quite sad, so don't kill me for it. You've been forewarned. Forgive me as well for not making the poetry flow as smoothly in this one. I couldn't seem to get it right this time, because my emotions were too overwhelmed to think artistically. Yeah, this one hit a tender chord for me. Also, don't be surprised if you see this same plot show up in other stories. Me and a friend have been talking about this particular plot for awhile, and having it only appear in journal form doesn't really do it justice, especially since this is only a tiny piece of the story. Anyway, hope that you enjoy.**_

**_Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist. Yes, I admit that the disclaimer's not creative. I don't bother with creative disclaimers for this particular series._**

_I just want to be free.  
__I just want to be me.  
__But what do I have to be,  
__In order to see?_

September 29, 1924 - Dear Mother,

It's been awhile since both me and brother came over to this side of the Gate, and we're doing everything we can to try and find a way to get back, but we haven't found a way yet. I miss Winry, and Auntie. I wonder how they're doing? Do they miss us? I sort of have mixed feelings about whether I want them to miss us or not. I don't want them to stop caring...but I don't want them to hurt either. Is there a fine line to take on either side? I can't seem to find it. I think that Brother's taken the "I hope you don't miss me" side, since he doesn't want them hurt...though in his sleep, he calls out for Winry sometimes, so I don't think he's being completely honest.

Also, we've been trying to track down that man who made the uranium bomb in our world, but he's been rather elusive, even for Brother, who can usually manage to find anybody. It's a bit annoying, actually, since I'm getting really tired of this war business. Why can't everyone just get along? All both of these worlds seem to ever do is fight with each other. I'm just sick of it.

In the mean time, Brother's been getting in the way of the plans of various supremacist groups, particularly the ones that think that white people are the dominant race. While I totally agree with the motive behind his actions, since there is no dominant race of human beings, we're all one race...I just can't help but wonder if he's going to get himself into trouble again. He always seems to attract trouble wherever he goes. Sigh. I wish we could have peace for awhile. I want to follow Brother wherever he goes, no matter what, but it's a little trying at times.

_Please don't walk away from me.  
__Without you, I don't feel whole.  
__If part of you must leave me,  
__Let me at least have your soul._

January 15, 1925 - Dear Mother,

Mother...Mom...I honestly don't know what to say. How can I even say anything? I'm just...so sorry.

For the past few months, we were mainly doing our part around Munich and the surrounding areas to try and encourage peace in the best possible way we could, though we really didn't know what we were doing, I'm sorry to say. As I've said before, Brother tends to always attract trouble, wherever he goes.

Anyway, I got the feeling of something wrong, but I couldn't explain it, and I couldn't bring myself to tell Brother about it. I thought he'd think I was crazy, or not believe me. After all, Noah was the only one I had ever known with psychic abilities...so I couldn't be psychic too, could I? Of course, that thinking is foolish, since it's obvious that I'm at least a little bit psychic...but I guess I never give myself enough credit. I'm sorry for that now.

After some time of our trying to fulfill our mission in this world of trying to encourage tolerance, I suddenly had that nagging feeling shoot through me again. It was stronger than normal, so this time I turned around. What I saw made all the blood run out of my face. A man with a gun was standing not far off. I called to my brother, to which, he spun around too, but we didn't get enough time to run away. The man fired three shots, which all landed in Brother's chest, and then the man promptly disappeared.

I screamed and instantly dropped down to my knees to hold Brother's head and hand. I would have run for a doctor...but somehow, I just knew he wasn't going to last that long, and he needed to spend his final moments with me. He left me a few garbled words, and then went limp in my hands as the life drained out of him. I couldn't restrain myself anymore, and I began crying profusely, calling for him, though I knew he wouldn't hear. I don't know how long I stayed there in the middle of the street, but no one disturbed me for a long time.

Mom...I'm sorry...I just don't know what to say. I've failed you yet again in not taking care of him and keeping him out of trouble. I'm so sorry. I...I hope that you and he at least met up with each other...at least that would be one good thing that came out of this. Now I have to find out what to do. I don't know how to live without him.

_I'm trying to reach you,  
__But I can't hear your voice.  
__I feel our separation,  
__Are you avoiding me by choice?_

June 24, 1925 - Dear Mother,

I'm doing fine now, I guess, but I miss you and Brother terribly. Has he showed up yet? I've gone to everyone I could find that claims to be able to talk with the dead, and none of them have been able to contact him. Where is he? Why is he avoiding me? Is there really no life after death? Personally, that idea doesn't make any sense to me, since there must be life after death, considering what I've been through. I know for sure that there is a soul...but what happens to that soul after you die? Can't anyone tell me?

Sigh. Anyway...on that fateful day when I lost my brother, I had apparently fallen asleep while clutching his body. I woke up a while later in a hotel bed with half of my clothes stripped off...apparently, because they were covered in blood. I wasn't sure about what to do, whether I should call for someone or not. I was quite scared, as well as depressed. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to live anymore, since I had just lost my last reason for living.

However, as I was lying there, sulking, a man finally walked into the room to check on me, and seemed pleased to see that I was awake. He asked me how I was feeling, and so I finally took a good look at him. The way he had spoken carried a strong accent from somewhere, and his features indicated an asian person. I guessed that he was probably Japanese, considering their role in the war. I wasn't really sure I wanted to face this man, since he just reminded me of the war that had taken my brother, but he was persistent. He brought me out some clean clothes and made me put them on, and then eat. I didn't want to. I didn't want to do anything, but he insisted.

As it turned out, this man's name was Kira, and he and his sister had moved from Japan to England to get out of having to deal with all the warring that was going on there, though he came to find out that even England was having issues. Apparently, he was traveling around right now on some business errands that he wouldn't tell me about, but he needed to get back to England soon, since he had a tea selling business stationed in London. Since he was apparently planning to take me with him, apparently out of pity, it appeared I would be moving to London in a couple days.

After a day or two had passed, he finally packed everything up that he owned, I didn't own anything but the clothes on my back, and we left for London. I was still very depressed, especially with all this change that was occurring so quickly. Of course, I was simultaneously relieved that I was leaving behind the town that I had been so used to living with Brother in.

When we finally got to his house in London, and we'd gotten settled in, I quickly fell into a sulking habit once again. Either that, or I would bury my face in whatever books he would have lying around the house to escape the reality of the situation. Apparently, that bothered him, so he set up an easel and canvas for me, and started making me paint from time to time. I'm not sure if I like him telling me what to do like that, though I can't deny that he's doing the right thing by not allowing me to sulk around. I seem to have trouble saying no to him...or anyone else, for that matter...but at least he's just trying to get me out of my frump. I wish he would be a bit more considerate though. He yells at me from time to time, since he gets mad about my staying depressed about my loss.

_What did I do to cause hate  
__To appear in the eyes of fate?  
__Maybe redemption is too late  
__For one who has seen the Gate._

August 14, 1926 - Dear Mother,

I feel so numb. I'm not sure whether to be sad or not. I honestly don't know what to think. I'm so overwhelmed that I guess I banished all my emotions, so that I won't feel things so strongly. I realize that it's been more than a year and a half since I lost my brother, but it still hurts. It still hurts deeply. The emotional wound was recently reopened.

Kira was recently off on his rounds, trying to sell tea once again, when apparently the building he was in caught fire. He wasn't able to get out in time. I'm not sure if his sister was with him at the time or not. She disappeared too. Why does everyone that is important to me have to disappear out of my life? It's not fair! It just isn't fair! Does someone who has committed a taboo doom himself to eternal punishment? All I wanted was to have you back, and now I've lost everyone else that's important to me. Why? It's so unfair! This is not equivalent, at all.

Well, apparently Kira had made a will. He didn't have a lot of family, so in the case of his death, all his possessions, and his house were to go to his sister...but in the case of her death, it would all go to me. Like I said, I don't know where she is, so the title to the house was turned over to me until and unless she comes back. It's kind of strange that a 15-year-old has a house of their own, but I'm not sure that I have the right to be amused by it. It cost a great deal for this house to fall into my hands. I'm not sure that I even deserve it, but I have nowhere else to go.

One thing's for sure though, I'm not going to let Brother's and Kira's sacrifices go in vain. They both lost their lives directly or indirectly from the effects of the war. I don't know if another war is going to happen, though there's been a lot of talk about it. If there is going to be one though, I'm going to make sure that I can at least help a few people to not have to suffer the way I've had to, or to end up like Brother or Kira. I may not be able to make much of a difference, but maybe I can at least make a difference to someone. It's the only way I can think of to pay back those that have given of themselves for me.

On that note, if I'm to help others who could be in trouble due to intolerance, I'll probably have to create myself yet another pseudonym. I can't very well help anyone if I myself end up getting caught. Brother and I had taken on the last name of Lans when we still lived in Germany. I think Kira thought that that was indeed my name, right up until the last day. We still kept our first names intact though. This time, I'm going to change my name completely. I think that I'll go by the name of Peter Sellers, in honor of the two people I lost just recently. 'Peter' refers to a rock, albeit a little rock, symbolic of the strength Brother always provided for me. Kira was a tea seller. Peter Sellers...it sounds a little foreign on me, but it'll help me not to forget them. I want to always remember those who gave of themselves to help me in some way.

So, Mother, even though I can't exactly say that my life is easy, I don't want you worrying for me. I'll take care of myself. I have a new reason to live now. I have to make sure that others don't have to suffer so.

And, Mom...I still haven't been able to contact either you or Brother...but I could swear that I've been feeling his presence around me lately. Is he here? Did he finally come to me? I hope I can find a way to reach him soon. I'll investigate the process of conducting a seance...maybe that'll allow me to reach him...and you. Will you come to me if I try to connect to you? I miss you so much, I want to be able to talk with you again.

Anyway, I guess I have to let you go for now. I'm worn out from the events of the day. Paperwork is really difficult, now I see why Colonel Mustang always tried to get out of doing it. I'll get my life together soon, I'm sure...well, sort of. I'm going to miss you, and Brother, and Kira...but I'll cope. There are people that need me to live for them now. If I can just make one life breathe easier because I lived, I'll consider my life well spent. So, goodbye for now, Mom, I love you, and I hope that someday, I'll get to reach you once again.

**_Yes, sad, I know. I teared up on it myself, and I normally don't react emotionally to my own stories. Do any of you want me to write up another addition to the series? One person thinks it should remain a trilogy, but if any of you want another one, I'll write another one. It's all up to you. Leave me some reviews and tell me what you think, okay? Thanks, and hope to hear from you soon._**


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